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attention passengers this is your pilot speaking, we’re going to be experiencing some heavy turbulence shortly so please strap in. this loser just bet that i couldn’t do a 360 barrel roll in this thing and let’s just say i’m about to be $20 richer real soon

(via purpleheartsandchaos)




I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “Thank you.”

I said “Don’t mention it.”

Is there a joke here that 15 thousand people get but I don’t?

Nobody tell them.

(via delceta)

That was sloppy and poorly executed but I had to put it somewhere.


I never used her…I knew her reputation. Knew that addiction was inevitable after the first hit. She was always around and just her presence was delightful, like a contact high. I could never use her. Id never recover. Then I slipped and she strangled my bloodstream and began floating confidently through my veins, taking control of my body. My heart beat is shaky and uneven. The butterflies in my stomach are carnivorous and every time I look in her eyes they eat my from the inside out. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, it could be both or I could be in the fetal position on the fucking floor grasping at recollections of her looking at me like she needed me. I hate her now. Because she isn’t mine and every second I spend with her reminds me and my chest tightens and I can’t breath and I just wanna get away but I can’t because the only thing that hurts more than being close to her is having her out of my sight. I’m sick. I need her and she doesn’t need me. I’m addicted and there’s no rehab and if there was I’m not even sure I would go because she is my home and if I escaped her where would I go?

Some nights I think about dying and some nights I think about living till I break and I didn’t know that you could cry so hard that your heart stops bleeding and still wake up the next morning until I met you and I know that kissing you will probably kill me, bury bullets beneath my skin and spit poison into my veins but I know I’ll kiss you anyway and sometimes shaky knees and feeling like you’re going to throw up and staying up so late you get sick is love and not pain but sometimes the teeth you feel when you’re kissing and the way the red of the flowers he brought you matches the red in the sink and the way the butterflies in your stomach make you feel like dying is pain and not love and either way I never know when to say goodbye so maybe you should just stay one more night
– I’m trying to tell you I love you (via extrasad)

(via chessjordansports)


me: what’s for dinner?

her: *spreads her legs*



so, did you not cook or ….. cause popeyes closes at 10 and i need to leave now if i’m gon make it. 

(via profashionall)